just trying to figure out where i am. feeling a little vertigo. i used to simply love nyc because it was home. life appeared to be more simple then. now i love nyc just because i can't stand the jersey suburbs. it's like that old commercial, "this is your brain. this is your brain on crack." life in the burbs is mindnumbingly illusive. the houses, the cars, the shopping, the job, the life. this isn't real. it's not life. it's a relentless hiding and covering up. it's all chasing after the wind.
in contrast, the city is messy, complex, and yes - dark. in that way, it longs for hope. but there is a sense of hopefulness there in the midst what appears to be chaotic. you see people step in and out of light and dark spaces. their shadows embedded with their stories dancing under street lamps.
and being chinese. dang. a people who never say what they really mean. a facade of familial love for what really is simply social order. where control equals peace and harmony. feelings are stuffed. rational logic override. false humility and pretenses. hiding. truly a sleeping dragon.
truth be told, we're all afraid. we're afraid of each other, of being found out, our weaknesses exposed. naked, body and soul. just mere shadows of what we're supposed to be.
at the same time we long for that release, perhaps it's forgiveness. what we want is acceptance. it's hard to let someone in enough to help us. what if they really see us as we are? so we turn to self help books because we may be able to do it ourselves. it's too risky to ask for help. we try and follow a new routine. we pop pills. read more. we're just dealing with symptoms. dammit our core is still rotting away.
love washes away fear, inviting us to be naked. on the most deepest level, love making between two partners consummates in nakedness and penetration, a mutual giving and receiving.
enters a bride, with a scarlet past. the ultimate sign of healing is her approaching the altar and there waiting for her is the groom. he knows all of her past. accepts her and is proud of her for turning from that past to be with him only, now and forevermore. she is in her white gown.
take me as i am. no more. no less.
take me home.
Goose's wife: Hey Goose you big stud!
Goose: That's me, honey.
Goose's wife: Take me to bed or lose me forever.
Goose: Show me the way home, honey.
I am the only one to blame for this
Somehow it all adds up the same
Soaring on the wings of selfish pride I flew too high and like Icarus I collide
With a world I try so hard to leave behind
To rid myself of all but love to give and die
To turn away and not become
Another nail to pierce the skin of one who loves more deeply than the oceans, more abundant than the tears
Of a world embracing every heartache
Can I be the one to sacrifice
Or grip the spear and watch the blood and water flow
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - I am on my knees
To love you - take my world apart
To need you - broken on my knees
All said and done I stand alone Amongst remains of a life I should not own
It takes all I am to believe In the mercy that covers me
Did you really have to die for me? All I am for all you are
Because what I need and what I believe are worlds apart
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost and wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain
More and more I need you now, I owe you more each passing hour the battle between grace and pride I gave up not so long ago
So steal my heart and take the pain and wash the feet and cleanse my pride
take the selfish, take the weak, and all the things I cannot hide take the beauty,
take my tears the sin-soaked heart and make it yours take my world all apart
take it now, take it now and serve the ones that I despise
speak the words I can't deny
watch the world I used to love fall to dust and thrown away
I look beyond the empty cross forgetting what my life has cost
so wipe away the crimson stains and dull the nails that still remain
so steal my heart and take the pain
take the selfish, take the weak and all the things I cannot hide
take the beauty, take my tears
take my world apart, take my world apart
I pray, I pray, I pray
take my world apart
posted by affectionate @ 7/19/2005 09:45:00 AM
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